yum
( cute things )

I'm gonna do what I want cause I do what I want and everything... Why in the hell should I quit drinking whatever it is that's in my cup? I think people need to mind their own business. I don't care if it was heroin in my cup it's in my cup, fuck you.
Lil Wayne I love you. I need to get face tats like you.

well here's that foto entry i've been meaning to post. i tried my best to separate them out and only post my own, but some might still be lanore's, and for that i am sorry. it all becomes a blur when you are fucked up most of the time anyway. additionally, they aren't in any particular order, and they are really fucking huge. so don't say i didn't warn you.

( thru the looking glass )

<input ... ></input><input ... >So I will be going solo for Christmas as well. I am so sick of family drama.

I've been playing Ghosts N Goblins on NES non-stop for a couple weeks now. This pretty much sums the game up.

Found the most amazing vintage new old stock appliques at great prices for upcycling and other clothing projects. [The Edith Piaf skirt is taking forever, but I'm working on other things.] Aren't these beautiful?

Dior, from the Fall:





I love these shoes:

There are times that I truly envy Shayne. His parents still live in the house that he grew up in. Actually, the house Shayne grew up in, the house where his parents live, is also the house his Dad grew up in. His Mom and Dad still laugh, go out to eat, vacation and relax together. His Mom takes care of all five of her grandkids. In her house. Five days a week. She does this without pay while feeding them and supplying their diapers. Two of them just started kindergarten this year, but before that they were all there, all day long. Shayne is a lot like his parents, and he'll pretty much drop everything to do something for either one of his sisters, his parents or the farm. "Family is family," he mutters. Shayne is also employed by the family business, is hoping to one day take it over and basically work until he can't anymore. The thought of working this much exhausts him, but even on his days off he's working on something. He complains about wanting a day off, but he really just wants to sleep in. After doing this, he'll get up, drink his coffee, putter, and go do something with the house. While the house, yard and surroundings are an ongoing project, it's comforting that there's always something to do.

I'm getting off track.

The holidays frustrate me sometimes. There are so many people who have touched my life, and I still think about them often, so I send them a Christmas card. I only hope they appreciate it. I do the same for my closest friends and family as well because I can't afford to get anyone anything, so I figure getting everyone something little like a Christmas card stuffed with photos is best. It's the thought that counts. The holidays really frustrate me because my family gets together for a few hours, and I won't see any of them for a few more months...until the next holiday. I don't like this. I haven't seen my dad since the few hours that he spent with Mia and me at the corn maze in the end of October. I haven't seen my brother since last Christmas. I saw my Mom quite a bit in the spring when she was here due to her mother being ill and eventually passing away, but if it hadn't been for that it would've been a couple years between visits with her. I would never consider calling my Dad to help me with childcare. It pains me that my Mom is missing out on watching her granddaughter grow up. I have and always will hate the fact that she lives in Europe.

I was thinking about this today while I was scrubbing bathrooms and kitchens. I was thinking how I envied Shayne for never having to move, always knowing what to expect and depend on that. Today I worked for my original cleaning job, and things were going well. It looked like I'd finally have a solid schedule with them two days a week, and with the other company for another two and a half days. I was really looking forward to having some regular clients with my original job, since I was always frustrated that I never knew what house I was going to, where the keys were or what I was supposed to do. The new job seemed to be going well, too. My boss(es) seemed really nice, but firm. They respected me as an employee, and I respected them as well. They gave me paperwork, and kept me informed. If I ever had any problem, they were only a call during business hours away. My original job was a completely different story.

Driving my new partner back to her car today, I learned that my former partner (who had been fired for stealing) was working again. I couldn't believe it. I also learned she had not only stolen from houses before, she had eaten customer's food out of their kitchens. I was already frustrated with this job for a few other things, and this finally got me thinking that I needed to quit. I would talk to Shayne about it first, but I figured I would finish out the month with them and just work for the new company after the turn of the year. It was getting more and more obvious to me that I didn't respect my employer at all, and felt she was making unwise decisions that were affecting the amount of business she had (and how many hours I worked) way too much. Plus, the drama was no fun.

Then, at about dinnertime, I get a text message from my boss, wanting to change my schedule for tomorrow. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's probably about the fifth. Sometimes I don't get a text until I'm putting Mia to bed to let me know that I'm not working the next day, or that I'm working somewhere else. It's weird, to text message your boss, but this is the only way she really seems to want to communicate...so whatever. I made the mistake of telling her that tonight. I told her I needed a key, she said she didn't have a key, I told her the client told me that we had a key, she again told me she didn't, so I said "whatever." She responded (in text, mind you) that I had a bad attitude and she would never say "whatever" to the person who signed her paychecks. I responded "We are texting!" She called after this, and told me she wouldn't be needing my services anymore, and hung up. A half hour later, she sends me another text about dropping off my cleaning kit and picking up my final paycheck the next day. This is another texting conversation, since we have to decide on a time, and I have to ask her to give me a formal letter of termination for my childcare grant.

I. Hate. Text. Messages. That. Replace. Conversations.

I also don't like employers that don't respect their employees. After the whole thing with my co-worker being drunk and trying to rope me into leaving work because we were sick, I made it known to my boss that I was pretty unhappy. (Again, through text.) She left me a message a few days later saying she didn't feel like I was being a team player. I really expected her to fire me when I told her I had started another job. It's not only that that made me feel disrespected, though. The text messages during dinnertime, the constant schedule changes, the hours promised and not received...all of this was really starting to wear on me. These were all the reasons why I got a second job. It was becoming more and more obvious to me that I was hanging on to this job only because I was absolutely desperate for the money. And I wasn't really making any money. The money I made went straight into my gas tank and buying cleaning supplies. Plus, on an average week, I only worked at this job for five hours. Being fired wasn't too big of a loss. Shayne even told me that if she calls me wanting to put me on the schedule again to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to work for people like you."

All I know is, when I was a manager, if I treated any of my employees that way, the owner would have heard about it really quick. Maybe that's part of the problem. She is the owner. She's made it known that she doesn't want to hear any complaints, and even boasted that none of her employees ever complained. The new company I'm working for has a "Human Resources Manager" who's main job is to listen to employees complain. If the complaint is valid, she will go out to the house and inspect the source and, if needed, contact the other "Human Resources Manager" who's main job is to deal with clients. Then there's the owner, who doesn't clean houses much, but it's how she started and still sits with new trainees (like myself) for two hours, showing me how she wants me to clean by doing it. She is the boss lady, who is sweet as pie, but you don't want to mess with her.

I guess the main frustration is that I was fired. I was fired from my last job, too. I like to think of myself as a person with good work ethic, but this is starting to make me wonder if I'm a good employee. Do I just have a problem respecting authority? Do I see my employers as people a little too much, instead of my boss? I guess with any job, there are certain expectations I have as an employee, and if those expectations are not met, I would hope they would talk to me about it directly instead of talking behind my back or just dropping my hours to something minimal. I guess, really, an employer doesn't have to do anything and me as an employee must do anything they tell me to do. But still...text messages during dinnertime about schedule changes the next day? Oh well...I guess I'm better off without it. Hopefully, this will free me up to work more for the new company.

I'm starting to ramble. I needed to vent. I feel better now.

step.

The season finale of Dexter was amazing. Fucking amazing.

That I have ventured off of facebook and on to livejournal. I wish I even had anything to update about, but I lead a very simple life. Instead, I entertain you with shitty webcam photos that have filled the last hour of my life with:










I AM SO BORED. Days off are a terrible thing to waste.

I was at an outdoor, liberal gathering. It may have been an anti-FOX thing. The mood was great and people were laughing and joking and having fun. Some guys pranked some FOX camera men by pulling down their pants while sheltered by a bunch of their friends and then the friends ran out of the way just in time for FOX to record their taints, asses, and dangly balls live. I saw this happening and found it entertaining but was ABSOLUTELY certain that I could NOT be in the shot. My mom was there sitting at a table in front of the stage and the MC was bantering. I ran to the periphery and tried to make my way to my mom to warn her to stay out of camera range but before I could get to her these vicious snakes started popping up out of holes everywhere. I immediately knew that FOX had planted them. I stood helplessly by as one jumped up and bit my mom in the face. I ran to her already dead body and found her head wrapped in plastic and an agonizing scream frozen on her face. I woke up then and almost sat up with my fist in the air screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

It was awful.

First thing I said was, "Stupid fucking FOX" and my bed mate roused briefly to agree with me groggily and then fell back to sleep, as did I.

*dusts off soapbox*

I've been reading. When I start ruminating on something my usual tendency is to go to the library and find information. Lately I've been thinking about what will happen when the number of kids in the US that are vaccinated drops below those magic "herd immunity" numbers and we start seeing preventable diseases reappearing and causing sickness (chronic and acute) and death. I've been a devotee of public health for years, I even went so far as to get a degree that allows me to work in the field. I don't think there's any arguing that vaccines are one of public health's greatest gifts to the world. Everyone always talks about prevention but really most of us are pretty incapable of actually preventing much. Immunization is a pro-active, scientifically driven, simple way to keep millions from suffering and possibly dying. They're quite brilliant in my eyes.

Yet somehow they've become villains in the eyes of a seemingly ever-growing number of people. I, of course, blame Andrew Wakefield and his fraudulent study stating that MMR caused autism. The harm that that study has done to the world is immeasurable. And he was wrong. And his motives were for monetary gain. And he falsified data. And yet this idea that getting a measles, mumps, rubella stab will possibly lead your child into autism perseverates over a decade later. There have been 10 large scale epidemiological studies that refute the claim that there is any link between MMR and autism. But it doesn't matter. People continue to believe that there is danger from vaccines. (And confer dangers other than autism to vaccines as well.)

Of course there is no 100% safe vaccine. Nothing in this life comes without risks. Study after study disproves the concerns and the actual risks are clearly lined out on handy (federally mandated) Vaccine Information Sheets and yet the numbers of children vaccinated continues to shrink. Supposedly the government and pediatricians and scientists are all conspiring with the drug manufacturers to use our kids as lab rats (at best) or poisoning them willfully for profit (at worst). I'm no supporter of big pharma, I assure you. I find direct to consumer advertising appalling and unethical. I even believe that greed has come in the way of better judgment (*ahem*Vioxx*ahem*) on the parts of pharmaceutical CEOs. But I refuse to believe that there's a conspiracy involving thousands of professionals (who have dedicated their lives to helping kids) that are shooting our children up with unproven toxins.

Then there is the whole thimerosal debate. I think just stating that thimerosal was removed from the majority of vaccines in 2001 and we still see the numbers of autism-spectrum disorders rising at even higher rates is a pretty good indicator that there's not a link there. But there have also been large scale epidemiological studies done on that and each one disproves any connection between the mercury-derivative and autism or any adverse neurological changes.

Jenny McCarthy is shouting from rooftops that we're poisoning our kids. That she cured her son of autism and if we follow her and her doctors we can prevent and cure autism too. And then Oprah Winfrey gave her a microphone and an audience of millions. She thinks she knows better than doctors that disagree with her. She thinks that by giving her son IM injections of B-12 twice a week and flooding him with antifungal pills and taking all the casein and gluten from his diet that he's fixed. As far as I know she could also be advocating chelation therapy which can entail intravenous administration of a drug that clears the body of toxins and metals. It works when we know what we're specifically targeting and can be a life-saver, but for autism treatment there is no data supporting using it.

Why does she get to use some of the fruits of science (admittedly in an unproven and potentially very hazardous manner) while decrying others? Selectively putting faith in science is hypocrisy. Either it works or it doesn't. Someone did the research and created Diflucan to rid the body of yeast and other fungi. Pharmaceutical companies make money on the drug (though not very much compared to some of their other drugs, yes I'm looking at you Viagra). Why is big pharma a villain and out to get her child with vaccines but not with those B-12 shots? And while I'm talking about shots, I've administered thousands of vaccines to infants. I've held mothers' hands through the process because it's heartbreaking to see your child hurt. And there is no question that jabbing a needle into a muscle causes pain. It can be a very unpleasant experience for all involved. Yet Jenny is out there complaining about the increase in the number of vaccines since the 80's (and giving inaccurate numbers too by the way, the increase is not 10 to 36 but 7 to 14 and furthermore the amount of antigen (the broken down version of the disease that creates the immune response in our bodies) in our vaccines has actually decreased significantly even with the increase in the number of diseases we inoculate against) yet she is subjecting her child to two intramuscular shots a week?

None of these treatment methods that the anti-vax parents of children with autism are using have been shown, scientifically, to help. Some have been shown to cause harm. And at best, it's an untested theory being played out on who knows how many sick kids that may potentially cause more harm than help. We don't know.

What we do know is that vaccines do not cause autism and neither does thimerosal. What we do know is that vaccine-preventable illnesses cause a significant amount more damage to kids, if contracted, than any vaccine we currently give ever has (and lets not even talk about car crash injuries vs. vaccine-related injuries yet we all continue to transport our children in cars without much fuss).

Science is complicated. It is extremely challenging to create a study and determine its outcome. Science does not prove correlation, it can't, but neither can anything or anyone else (yet people still insist, erroneously, that they have). Science proves that there is no correlation between things and that leaves room in some minds for doubt. It's why the CDC and AAP and all those other agencies release such wimpy statements. "No link has been found between thimerosal and autism" doesn't sound nearly as definitive as "THIMEROSAL GAVE MY BABY AUTISM!" I just disagree with this buffet-style faith in science. Either you trust it or you don't. You don't get to decry vaccines and still trust your pediatrician (a scientist by proxy at least) or your OB/GYN or your family doc or your pharmacist or the engineer that made it possible for you to drive a car on other issues (there are so many other examples I could use here of the implementation of science that my head is reeling and I'm moving on). Science teaches us and protects us and is constantly changing. It's hard to grasp, even harder to implement.

There are billions more issues that I could address here. This is an extremely complicated issue. I'm scared and I'm angry and I could go on and on but I promised myself there would be no apologizing for my position in this post so I'm going to have to stop here.

I'm not linking in this post but if you're interested I can send you some peer-reviewed, factually accurate, sound scientific data to support my above statements.

I yearn for true uninhibited connections.

After losing my job on November 5, they are finally going to release my unemployment checks. Thank sweet heaven. Just in time to keep the city from turning off my water! And just in time for Spain!!!

[P.S. - if anyone knows of anything I MUST do or see in Madrid, please let me know!]

[[♥]]

Gaga