amberlenore

Long mutant bus rides.

Chocolate massages.

50lbs of text books.

Blood all over the place.

Fucking everyone in my dreams. Lots of penis.

It’s been one of those days.

I haven't even written about Jamie yet. She posted and it reminded me- Before all this pregnancy bullshit I had a really, really amazing time in Minneapolis with Jamie and Crystal.

I hate to leave home. I hate to leave my bed, my shower, my food, my lover. I hate it. So, I kinda anticipated that I may have a good time, but I would mostly be homesick and weird.

That was not the case, at all.



From the moment Jamie picked me up at the airport I began to feel at ease. I just understood her; her vibe was level with mine and it felt familiar and sweet. We immediately went to sleep when we got to her place. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to sleep there- her bed is warm and tenderized from so much love. And she slept naked, but i kinda knew she would do that.



And yes, she is always naked. She is the most clothed naked person ever. She does not look naked- she is so comfortable with her own body that her skin looks like a really pretty dress. She is nude, but not naked. Yeah.

The whole trip was a made of...

Amazing meals. I ate a gluten free pizza with mashed potatoes on it. Hands down, the best meal of my life.

Laughing. Everything that comes out of her mouth is magic. Hilarious magic. We ate some mushrooms my second to last night there and I laughed until I dry heaved. I felt so RAD having those mushrooms floating around inside me and everything was the funniest fucking thing I had ever heard. Ever.



This is a video of us frying, saying silly shit.

Relaxation. I never felt uncomfortable. I enjoyed the conversation and the city. I loved taking a shower in her bathroom and smelling all her lotions. I felt at home.



What was so, So wonderful about this experience was having the opportunity to learn from Jamie. I have never, EVER, met someone as centered, beautiful, kind, and just...happy. She never seems inconvenienced by her world; every day seems to be a blessing to that girl. She takes things in stride and with grace- something I am rarely able to do.



She is a tiny, full booty-d ray of sunshine, and I am in love with her.

Comment to be added.

Last night we snuggled down in our warm bed and Dom says "I love you so much, the love... it's getting deeper, I feel like my brain is being attacked my love hormones".

I say "I know, we leveled up. It's great, huh?”, And then I fell asleep in his armpit.

I have only known the feeling of growing apart before. Now I know the feeling of growing together.

 

and when summer gets to me
and sets the sex on fire
my body is an ocean
of twisted white debris


 

and when summer gets to me
and sets the heart in motion
a pain that hides in my insides
is suddenly set free

This lady sat next to me and Olive on the bus and she seemed so centered. She was, I dunno, 70? She seemed totally contented and neat, happy to be alive. I envied her. She is not, and has not been for quite some time, under the influence of ridiculous hormones. She is free from the chains of human reproduction, from the monthly ebb and flow of the menstrual cycle.

I don’t need to know what day it is in my cycle to know my period is rapidly approaching. I cant cope, I feel tired and fat, easily insulted and unable to concentrate. Emotional, exhausted, pissed off and weak. The house is unbearably messy, even though it probably isn’t. I cant differentiate between what is real and what is PMS.

At any rate, regardless of my foul demeanor, Olive and I got on the bus and got some stuff done this morning.



Paid bills, got a few groceries.




The two items I needed most I forgot, of course. Toilet paper and milk.

Now there is Sponge Bob and lunch, cleaning and possibly moving everything out of our bedroom so we can paint. The later is unlikely, I lack enthusiasm and energy.

I am in a really horrible place right now. If you are interested, read on. If not, move on to something else.

I am about ready to kill my mother.

Since my dad died, about a year ago, my mother has been on a spending spree. She gets about 1,200 a month in disability and windows stuff (plus food stamps), *and* my dad left her 10 grand when he died. As a woman who lives alone she doesn’t have many expenses. Yet, despite the more than adequate monthly income, AND the money my father left her, AND her food assistance, she is flat broke. Why? Because she sits in her house all day and orders clothes, jewelry, makeup, shoes and fancy little baubles from QVC. She spent everything my dad left her within 8 months of his death. A few months ago we had to move her into a shitty subsidized apartment because she had put herself into so much fucking debt with her shopping. It’s ridiculous.

So, a few days ago she tells me “put away some money for me, please? I am afraid I am going to be overdrawn on my account.” Again. WHY? Because she bought herself ANOTHER NEW PURSE (she has about 10 purses already). I went to the bank and withdrew some money. I asked if she needed it yesterday. She said no. So, this afternoon, at 1pm (a half hour before the bank closes), she calls me up and tells me I must come over right now and give her the money before the bank closes and hurry up and all that shit as I bleed and ache and snot and cough all over myself. I just lost it with her. I told her to fucking forget it. NO. NO HELP. STOP SPENDING ALL YER MONEY ON SHIT YOU DON’T NEED. I want to strangle her. I feel so, so, so sick. I feel horrible. And I am supposed to drive over to her place and give her the only money I have so she can just spend more?


I feel like a rabid animal. 

Feeling a little less agro about birthing, life in general.

I visited my client who delivered on Monday and found her to be well rested and breastfeeding well. She thanked me, thanked me, thanked me until we both cried a little and I was off. I found that although everything went to shit she still felt satisfied with my support, and that is a positive thing. I am still committed to home birthing only, but I suspect this will be hard to commit to when I am pretty much the only Doula in town. I cannot resist a woman in need.

I started a new Childbirth Ed. Series last night. 11 couples! I felt very excited to teach to them, as they all seemed bright and interested in what I had to say. And I didn’t stutter too much.

I start back at Bread and Roses today, and I don’t really mind. I am feeling like the problem I had before with working there was that whole treading water feeling…the uselessness of not pursing my dreams. Now that I am back on board (I start school again in 4 weeks!) I am excited to go back there, if only so I can earn the money I need to pay for my class. Also, I opted to work the afternoon shift, as opposed to the early morning shift. This will make a world of difference. This mammal does not naturally wake at 5am.

Other than that…Tony visits us this weekend…and my man has a hot ass.